CloseButSoFar » humor

My Next Life by Woody Allen

paul — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 16:49:11 +0000

Found this except by Woody Allen. I think he got it right. I mean, it sucks that our lives get worse as we age. We have less fun, more responsibility, the body degenerates and we become “old”. Not something to look foward to. As soon as we’re old enough to start appreciating life, it’s like “damn, i’m old already and heading towards death!”. Most of the fun is over with. Maybe that’s why people have kids… A distraction from how miserable the future really is! So Woody got the right idea. The ‘direction’ of life really sucks, so the opposite way around would be absolutely perfect!!!!

My Next Life

“In my next life I want to live backwards.
You start out dead and get that out of the way.

The you wake up in an old people’s home
feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy,
go collect your pension, and then when
you start work, you get a gold watch
and a party of your first day.

You work for 40 years until you’re young
enough to enjoy your retirement.

You party, drink alcohol, and are
generally promiscuous, then you
are ready for high school.

You then go to primary school,
you become a kid, you play.
you have no responsibilities,
you become a baby until you
are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in
luxurious spa like conditions with
central heating and room service
on top, larder quaters every day
and then, Volia!
You finish off as an orgasm!

I rest my case.”

100 year old Granny parachutes – guaranteed to lose teeth

Lee — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 07:28:40 +0000

So a 100 year old Brazilian Grandmother is going to do a parachute jump from 4,000 metres on Christmas Day -she’ll be the oldest parachutist in history. WE URGE HER NOT TO DO THIS.

False teeth are expensive and I don’t believe they have healthcare provision in Rio. Look what happened to this Granny:

Granny feeling the G's

It's coming out. Not a pretty site

The force is too strong..whoosh and it's gone..

no teeth, no shape; all worrying..

Apparently her Grandson helped her to organise the jump… hmmm… how about that inheritance Granny? … I bet she actually asked for a nice jumper.

C67FDWBD7TH8

kungfu monkey beats up trainer

paul — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 15:13:27 +0000

There’s this crazy guy in China who teaches monkeys how to do Kung Fu. Anyway, one of his monkeys kicked him in the head whilst he wasn’t looking. Judging by the technique on the flying sidekick, the monkey in the pic appears to be a blackbelt. The rest of the monkeys joined in and gang-bashed him. One even beat him with a stick (apparently). According to an observer, he was pretty angry at the monkeys afterwards. but I think it’s his fault, for having monkeys as students!

perfectly executed flying side-kick

giant leap to knee trainer in the head!

Irresistible flying stick technique

Not beaten up enough? Why not discuss the monkey’s killer techniques on the Earth forums?

Was the Buddha GAY? Evidence shows that it’s likely!

paul — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 14:07:32 +0000

When I was first reading the Buddhist scriptures, the Buddha would talk about his attendant Ananda in very homoerotic terms. Nobody had ever mentioned anything about this so I didn’t think much of it at the time. just seemed kind of weird… the way in which the Buddha would gossip to others about how hot his (MALE) personal attendant Ananda is.

the handsome anada reciting the buddha's teachings

Finally, I decided to conduct some search about this. and I found that there is actually evidence which shows homoerotic elements in the relationship between the Buddha and his attendant Ananda. The best example is in the Jataka – accounts of the Buddha’s former lives. In these texts, there are some steamy accounts of the Buddha and his male attendant Ananda. A common theme of the Jatakas is love and devotion between men. It glorifies the homosexual relationship (not that there’s anything wrong with that!). But think about it….. Two men who are always together….. Day and night….. Ananda is dedicated mind, body, and soul to the Buddha, and was known to be a very attractive boy. And lets face it, if the Buddha is starved of women, wouldn’t he not feel some attraction towards this handsome boy who is always by his side? In fact, it is the Buddha who chooses to have this handsome boy by his side at all times.

The reality is that in monastic life, there has been a certain laxity towards homosexuality. I mean, what do you get when you take a bunch of guys and starve them of women? It’s the same as what you get in prisons. Homosexuals. Monks are still human after all.

Further evidence points to the Dob dob in Tibetan Buddhism. A monastic fraternity who would fight over boys (for sexual relationships). In other words, they were openly paedophiles. Just as many of the ancient greek philosophers were.

This topic, of homoeroticism in Buddhism has been kept surprisingly quiet. Perhaps it’s time to bring the Buddha out of the closet?